DOG PROPERTY LAWS:
1: If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be your's in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by peeing on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility ( as soon as you're
dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
9. Turn around three times before you lay down.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
8. Both like dominance games.
9. Both are suspicious of the postman.
10. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. ( OK, the really worst
disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill
the one that gives it to you.)
10. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

HOW A DOG IS BETTEER THAN A WOMAN:
1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
9. The later you are the happier a dog is to see you.
10. A dog does not shop.

IF YOU CAN:
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,